Friday, March 16, 2018

Forced March Madness

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For those who may not be up to date on the most au courant Hallmark holidays, Wednesday was "National School Walkout Day" - during which students in some school systems were actually compelled to protest, whether they wanted to or not, under the guise of "showing support" for the 17 victims of the nightmarish shooting at Florida's Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

Frankly, "showing support" for the victims isn't exactly an act of radical courage - everyone mourns these innocent victims, including the President and every member of the NRA. And yes, everyone would like to assure student safety. So the point of the walkout isn't really to support anyone - but rather to flat out protest against the Constitution in general and the Second Amendment in particular. An amendment which, we'd guess, is not being constructively explained in schools which are preoccupied with lockstep liberalism.

Happily, many school districts threatened consequences for students who went AWOL during class time - but not all of them. Take Rocklin High School in (surprise!) California, where a history teacher, Julianne Benzel, dared to ask her students if it would be equally appropriate for the school administration to support a walkout to protest abortion. Mind you, she didn't discourage her students from participating in the walkout...but she did ask them to actually think.

She was subsequently put on paid suspension because of "several complaints from parents and students involving the teacher's communications regarding the student-led civic engagement activities," which is as ripe a piece of euphemistic liberal baloney as we've heard in a long time.

We'd suggest that in the future, such schools might actually encourage the teaching of history rather than assuring that uneducated students will be doomed to repeat it.


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Technically, that's a tease-shirt
Everyone claims to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day, but we're the real deal - having the blood of a County Cork grandfather coursing through our veins. Albeit not coursing through the official family tree: it seems that grandad "Red," a piano teacher and smooth talker, hit the road immediately after discovering his young piano student (who apparently also got organ lessons) was "heavy with child."

The young girl was quickly transported to another town to secretly give birth (as was the custom back then) and the baby boy was eventually adopted as an "orphan" by her own parents...and raised as her brother with no one the wiser.

That boy became our father - and a great one! And whenever St. Patrick's Day rolls around, we find ourselves thankful that abortion wasn't as easy to obtain all those years ago...because otherwise we wouldn't be here to heft a mug of green beer in honor of our immediate ancestors (be they scoundrels or not).

Best wishes to all for St. Patrick's Day, and here's hoping that if a leprechaun does gift you with a pot of gold, the IRS never finds out about it!

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Un-sacred Cow

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Okay, this won't go down in the annals of Stilton's Place as our wittiest punchline - but it's the best we could do without actually invoking language which would make a Tourette's patient blush or get us a visit from the Secret Service.

Because we didn't make up the horrible, anti-American crap Hillary is spewing in the panels above. In India to promote her book "What Happened," Russia's favorite uranium saleswoman launched into this tirade to describe the millions of troglodytes who voted for Trump as hateful, misogynistic racists who would actually have to improve to be Deplorables.

If this horrible woman had won the presidency, it seems very likely that every person who visits Stilton's Place would now be in either an internment camp (the lucky ones) or a cemetery (those who committed Arkancide). Because to paraphrase Sally Field, she "really, really hates us."

And frankly, Hillary, the feeling is mutual.


Fortunately, the Secret Cervix was on the scene.
While in India, an allegedly sober Hillary Clinton took roughly her millionth spill while trying to stumble down a simple flight of steps.

Despite her painful, legs-akimbo, "the baby is coming NOW!" position, medical experts have confidence that her vagina will be completely recovered should it decide to run for office again in 2020.

Monday, March 12, 2018

False Idle

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Reaffirming what we already knew about the mainstream media's fawning worship of all things Obama, former New York Times editor Jill Abramson has revealed that she keeps a Barack Obama doll in her purse to handle during times of stress.

"Some people find this strange," Abramson admitted in a rare moment of mental clarity, "but you have to take comfort where you find it in Donald Trump's America."

In other words, not from reduced taxes, business and consumer optimism, and astounding job growth.


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Donald Trump left pretty much everyone dumbstruck last week when he agreed to meet with North Korea's leader, Kim Jung Un, to discuss the possible denuclearization of the nasty little dictatorship.  This was especially surprising considering Trump's strong posture in the face of the rogue nation, and his calling Kim Jung Un every insulting playground nickname in the book.

Hilariously, serial liar and Obama insider (but we repeat ourselves) Susan Rice immediately came forward to suggest that, prior to the meeting, Trump avail himself of the "expertise" which informed the Obama administration.

You know, the expertise that went into Obama's feckless (and fecked up) policy of watching North Korea build increasingly powerful nukes, and ignoring the tiny nation's provocative tests of larger and larger missiles (including one shot in the direction of Hawaii on the 4th of July).

Here at Stilton's Place, we hope that Trump's meeting with Kim will be a complete success, and make the world a little safer.

We also hope that Trump will poke a finger into Kim's tummy to see if he laughs like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.


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We'd TP her home, only it would be redundant.
Senator Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren has again refused to take a DNA test to settle the issue of whether or not she has an iota of Native American blood in her increasingly visible veins.

Warren insists that she has never benefitted from her claims of Native American heritage, although many believe it helped her land a cushy instructor's job at Harvard Law School. Perhaps because the school subsequently boasted about their newfound racial diversity thanks to adding this near-albino "woman of color" to their faculty.

Although Warren continues to treat her racial heritage as a mystery, she's being fairly transparent about her ambition to possibly run for the presidency (there are rumors that her "Redskin in the White House 2020" bumper stickers have already been printed).

But considering her ludicrous claims of Native American ancestry, we think she should have a reservation or two.