"You'll Saw Your Head Off...!"

Hillary: "Imagine if he was using a silencer!"

Christmas came early this year for connoisseurs of hilariously stupid journalistic malfeasance. Specifically when USA Today, an alleged newspaper, sought to educate its readers about the weapon used in the horrific mass-killings in a small Texas church.

That's about as serious a topic as you can get, so you'd think that serious journalism would be something of a goal for USA Today. But how wrong you'd be!

To add to their audience's fear of guns and those who wield them (like the hero NRA instructor who used his own AR-15 to end the carnage), the paper released an infographic video on their Twitter feed described as "a look at the gun used in the Texas church shooting." They then showed the basic gun, then started adding on possible modifications to make in more insanely terrifying, like a bump stock, laser sight, extra large magazine, and...a chainsaw bayonet.

Yep, this is actually what USA Today thinks people should start worrying about

Before you even ask, no - there's no such thing as a commercially available "chainsaw bayonet," although there are a few good old boys on Youtube who've rigged up dummy (literally) models so they can play "hold my beer" while charging, shooting, and eviscerating enemy pumpkins.

But USA Today would have you believe that ignorant, bible-thumping deplorables can just waltz into Walmart and toss a chainsaw bayonet in the cart along with their Pabst Blue Ribbon, turkey jerky, and environmentally-unfriendly disposable diapers.

Diapers which might actually be better used by the gullible USA Today readers who wet themselves when just thinking about this hybrid killing machine...and perhaps also by the USA Today journalists and editors who chose to indulge in infantile gun fantasies rather than bothering to research actual facts.

The Music Man

No politics today (yay!) because, unlike most days, I actually had professional work to do and it used up all my time and all my intelligence.  As I'm probably about to prove.

For the past several decades, I've made my living writing for the entertainment industry. Mind you, I'm in Texas and I'm a writer - so I don't have any wild tales of drug fueled parties, sexually defiled potted plants, or rings of pedophiles. I'm not saying that those things couldn't happen in Texas, I'm saying that no one invites writers to parties.

A lot of my writing has been on kid-friendly projects with a musical component, as was the case today.  Specifically, I'm collaborating with a very talented composer (and close friend) to create a live orchestral piece which will introduce kids to symphonic music without A) boring their socks off, or B) being "Peter and the Wolf" for the umpteenth time. The hope is that it will be performed by multiple orchestras across the nation, and that those orchestras will pay handsomely for the privilege of doing so. No government grants here, folks!

In essence, the production will feature humorous narration interspersed with delightfully bombastic music, while funny illustrations (several of which may be about farts) are projected onto a screen to keep the young audience laughing. Today's job was figuring out where those many illustrations should go in the script, and exactly what the images will be so we can communicate instructions to our Ukrainian artist.  A business arrangement which may land us a subpoena from the ever and overzealous Robert Mueller.

Overall, a fun and productive day. Who could ask for anything more?   -Stilt

It's Good To Be King

The so-called "JFK Files" recently released for public consumption haven't done much for conspiracy theorists who were hoping to find out how deeply Lyndon Johnson, the CIA, Woody Harrelson's father, and the Illuminati were involved in the Presidential assassination.

But the reading isn't all boring as, for some reason, the FBI reports on Martin Luther King Jr's alleged sexual escapades in considerable detail.

Mind you, the FBI was very interested in taking down King at the time, as his talent for social disruption (which was good in this case) can't be overstated. And so we can't say for certain what in the report is or isn't true. Which won't keep us from looking at the "good parts" and wiggling our eyebrows like a licentious Groucho Marx (which may be redundant).

For instance, the report claims that folksinger Joan Baez was one of King's many extra-marital conquests, and further suggests that the civil rights icon was given to orgies, and enjoyed "unnatural" and "abnormal" sex.

Describing the hijinks at a ministerial workshop, the report says"several Negro and white prostitutes were brought in from the Miami area. An all-night sex orgy was held with these prostitutes and some of the delegates in attendance." Additionally, "one room had a large table in it which was filled with whiskey. The two Negro prostitutes were paid $50 to put on a sex show for the entertainment of the guests. A variety of sex acts deviating from the normal were observed."

Obviously, we should all be offended by the outdated language in the report which is no longer socially acceptable. Oh, not the "negro" part - at least until the NAACP changes its name. No, we meant the parts which described any sexual act as unnatural or abnormal, which certainly doesn't square with current liberal attitudes about creatively and wantonly sticking things where nature didn't expect (or design) them to go.

In the age of Bill Clinton using Monica for a humidor, Harvey Weinstein giving a potted plant a pearl necklace, and Lena Dunham filling her sister's wahootie with gravel, we're experiencing a little nostalgia for times when some things were still considered perverse.

Put another way, even if the accusations against King are true (and we're not sure they are) we're betting he never did anything that you can't currently see on a popular HBO series.

Perhaps it's time our culture started showing more interest in mountain tops than mountin' anything that moves.